50 yards

It was maybe the most surreal 50 yards I have ever walked

50 yards for my my daughter to know the depths of how much I love her

50 yards for her to know just how proud I am of her

50 yards for her to know how much I believe in her and her decision this day

50 yards to meet the man who will love her the rest of his life

"Who gives this woman to be married to this man?

I looked in to her eyes, hugged her, kissed her and told her she will always have a place in my heart

I turned and faced Brandon and told him that "she is now yours. I trust you with her. Take good care of her."

I put her hand in his and sat next to my helpmate-the moment was over and the spotlight was where it should be-on Rachel and her soon to be husband

I had thought carefully over the past weeks about that moment and what I hoped to share

I wanted Brandon to know I trusted him with my daughter

Almost 25 years ago I stood where he did. Not just as a young man with great hopes and love and joy, but one desiring to know I could be trusted with my young lady, Carolyn

When I had asked for her hand in marriage, the normal questions came out. "Where will you live? How will you provide for her? What will you do with your life?" All good, practical questions I for which I had little specific answers

In the midst of that discussion I asked my soon to be father-in-law, "Do you trust me with your daughter?"

There was a pause and a nod. "Yes"

We had gotten to the "real" question behind the question. We now were working out the details together as we cared for his daughter, my soon to be wife, Carolyn together

This was my hope for Rachel with these final words to Brandon

The importance of trust

When he asked for her hands a few months ago we made sure he knew he was in the "circle of trust" in our family. He was invited into our family

Is it a risk to trust? Sure. Does trust take courage? Sure.

As I reflect today on those last 50 yards with Rachel, this is one message I hope they cling to as Carolyn and I have: Trust is critical for intimacy, growth and friendship. It is given but can be lost. It is worth the risk and should be treasured deeply.

May our circle of trust be strong

Opportunity for Freedom

Yesterday a few of us walked around our city asking God to let us see through His eyes what He is concerned about and get a pulse of His heart for His people where we live.

We ended up in front of a replica of the Liberty Bell at St. John's. Underneath a worn brass plate had the words, "In standing before this symbol you have the opportunity to dedicate yourself as did our founding fathers to the principles of individual freedom for which our nation stands."

An opportunity to dedicate myself to be a person of freedom.

When I think of freedom, a lot comes to my mind.

There is driving in a convertible.

There is appreciation for others who have fought in wars so that I can pursue God with little fear of persecution. The freedom of being a citizen here in the United States.

There is financial freedom.

But there is a deeper freedom that needs to be explored. It's the freedom Jesus speak about.

In the Scriptures there is this cool passage in Paul's letter to the church in Galatia. He tells us we are called to freedom, but warns us not to let our freedom turn in to an opportunity for the flesh (basically self centeredness). He says that by lovingly serving one another, freedom will be a part of our lives. In fact, all the Law, or guidelines God gives us, can be summed up in one statement, "you shall love your neighbor as yourself."

Freedom comes from giving yourself to others? In caring for them above yourself?

That sounds contrary to what many of us hear/do nowadays. Freedom in our society is like something you do for yourself, often at the expense of others.

Jesus' way seems so opposite.

My dad often pulls this thought from Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a German pastor who died in a concentration camp under Hitler. He says "the greatest love we can have for our brother is their freedom." In other words, if we love someone and desire the best for them, we will come alongside them and help them anyway we can so they will be free.

Is Jesus' way really so different? I guess I have seen it work and come to believe His way and teaching in this area is true. When someone comes along and helps me through a difficult time or situation, my desire to "pay it forward" is very strong.

When I help and love others, there is a deep satisfaction that is hard to put words around.

My default button is set on a self-centeredness idea of freedom. Sometimes I need a jolt, like the one I had yesterday before at the Liberty Bell, to be reminded of the deeper desire to be a person of Freedom-a person who follows the way of Jesus and His way of freedom.

I am taking this opportunity today to dedicate myself to be a person who is about freedom.



Here is a little more of Bonhoeffer if you want to go deeper on this :

"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ" (Gal. 6:2). Thus the law of Christ is a law of bearing. Bearing means forbearing and sustaining... The Christian must suffer and endure the brother. It is only when he is a burden that another person is really a brother and not merely an object to be manipulated. It is, first of all, the freedom of the other person that is a burden to the Christian. The freedom of the other person includes all that we mean by a person's nature, individuality, endowment. It also includes his weaknesses and oddities, which are such a trial to our patience, everything that produces frictions, conflicts, and collisions among us. Then, there is the abuse of that freedom that becomes a burden for the Christian."

Getting Through It

Last night our Porch group welcomed back Tom from NC. It was as good an excuse as any to gather and discuss life, cigars, and Jesus’ place in our lives.

Besides Tom the Alum, the circle included a new friend from New Zealand, transplants from Kansas, Colorado and Montana and even a few locals from right here in Maryland.

And when the porch is “open”, it is always interesting to see what thoughts and questions enter the discussion.

Last night what kept surfacing was along the idea of “what are the signs/signals along the path of life where you can tell you are a Man?”

Phrases such as: it’s a lifelong process, taking responsibility, having courage, owning your life, having something bigger than yourself to fight for all entered the circle of discussion.

My son Michael brought up an idea along the lines that “being able to get through it” is a sign you are becoming a man. He said we all have an “it”, and used the disciple Peter as an example of a man he admired who got through it (his denying Jesus 3X) to become a man (and leader). He faced his stuff head on and stood up and led as a real man.

But the point I took away last night was not what idea anyone took away regarding the question of the night-it was the fact that we were involved in a forum to be able to process this type of a question.

There is something built in me, and many of my friends, to have a regular gathering place to discuss issues and thoughts to figure them out-if they are true, where God fits in, how to live stuff out, what is BS, what are we not talking about, etc.

There was some agreement last night that most of us have either gone through some deep stuff or are in the midst of figuring out what it is that we need to go through in being a man. This is a lifelong process and having discussions like this out on the porch are helping.

Glass

This past week I went a visited a bro of mine, to talk and see how he was doing. Over the next couple of hours, the discussion was real and it was deep. We said what needed to be said the way that only close friends can.

We prayed and shared some Scriptures.

Even though we sat only 2 feet away, most of the time it felt like we were miles away.

The only thing, the only thing, between us was some thick glass.

Most of the time the word “glass” is processed in my mind, images like transparency, clarity and protection come through. All pretty positive.

Now I have a negative image. See, my friend was in the local jail and this glass was a major separator. The glass was a barrier neither one of us desired.

His actions and choice of telling the truth put him in this place tonight.

It’s interesting that the truth itself has brought a sense of ultimate freedom from the slavery of sin he tried so desperately to hide. Having brought the truth out into the light has allowed an intimacy in our circle that is painfully beautiful.

This reaffirms what I have been learning the past couple years: as we are more authentic with each other, all of us have crap in our lives. 100%. Period.

I do want to love my friends like Jesus, no strings attached. I want those in my close circle to love me when they find out who I am and what I am like.

That’s what I believe, but what I was really feeling as I left that night was my heart breaking:
-For the consequences my friend may face because his past actions may separate him from his family.
-For the emotional separation it caused many of us in his circle of trust.
-For what might happen in the broader circle of relationships of those who don’t really understand-or may not even want to understand-his heart and the truth of what actually happened and desire for real healing.
-I have to leave a close friend alone to suffer the consequences of his actions.

As I left him that night, my main thought was, “This is screwed up. It’s not supposed to be like this.” I wondered if from God’s perspective, a lot of our relationships are like this with Him.

There is a thick piece of glass between us and Him. And it needs to get smashed.

I went to my car and leaned on the wheel. Tears came as I asked God to be with my buddy. It was what I could do.

Feet

One of the more interesting conversations these past couple months happened under a metal roof in Yirol, South Sudan with a young Muslim guy named Mohammed. He had recently been displaced from his home in Darfur and had made his way south to start again.

We found ourselves next to each other while seeking shelter during a rare rainstorm.

As we sat there eyeing each other, he gathered up the courage to ask me if where I lived, the United States, was different from his country here in Sudan.

I mean, where do you even start on a question like that?

In South Sudan, most people make $100/year, have never seen television, live in a mud hut, and usually (hopefully) have enough food, water and clothing for the day.

I come from the land of asphalt highways, grocery stores, and closets full of clothes.

In my shame, I looked down. I saw my feet. I saw his feet. I told him that where I come most everyone has shoes and socks and their feet and toes are protected. Most of my friends have many pairs of shoes to match the events and outfits of each day.

Most of the trip I asked my friend Dave to photograph the feet of those we visited. One picture he took I framed and hung it on the wall in my office this past week. It is a close up of an elderly lady whose black feet have never been covered by a shoe. Never. Her feet are worn and calloused and mangled.

As I write this thought, I look down again and see that my feet are smooth and soft and manicured. For me, it is sort of embarrassing to admit I wore comfortable sandals today and some nice Asics running shoes when I went to the gym.

What I have seen I want to remember. Every day it seems easier to forget.

Tomorrow I will see the picture in my office and know how fortunate I am to have the shoes I wear. I will wonder where her feet have taken her these past hours and days and I will ask God to be with my friends until we see each other again.

Building Bridges

Yesterday I was driving home over the Chesapeake Bay Bridge after playing some golf with a few friends. If you have never been over a 4.2 miles structure like this one, you have missed one of the marvels of modern engineering.

The fact that two pieces of land this far apart can be connected by a (very) large piece of metal and concrete is a miracle of sorts, at least to my brain.

This image of building bridges has been with me for years.

You will have to trust me and know I love bridges. I have books about them and often self-describe myself this way as a means to create discussion about who I am rather than what I do. I have a business cards printed with Bridge Builder as my title.

About three weeks ago I took an online profile test called Strengthfinders which basically identifies the top 5 natural gifts and talents each of us has and challenges us to develop skills and knowledge around them in whatever occupation you are in.

My top strength was labeled Connectedness and in the detailed description it says, “you are a bridge builder for people…” It was a little freaky to hear these exact words.

But, like I said, I describe myself this way because I do love building bridges, all different kinds.

In the books I read and the area I live there is a virtual plethora of types, lengths, heights, styles and design of bridges. Are any two even exactly alike?

Maybe there are as many different bridges as there are people, because there are many different ways God speaks to His children.

I connect with God quickly when I am sitting on the beach near sunset with some good music on my IPod. It’s like the download is fast and sweet when I am there. I know He is close to me. I figure ways to plan my schedule to be in this place.

Some of my friends have found places of solitude, community service, Bible study or church worship services to draw close to Jesus.

He is the same, but the way He reveals Himself to each of us is as unique as we are.

I guess I just like to help others find who I have found. I like building bridges to help them find what I’ve found: Joy. Peace. Forgiveness. Love. Jesus.

But Bridge building is tough work-it takes years to finish many structures.

A bridge is never really finished, because there is always routine, ongoing maintenance.

But when a bridge is built and its purposes are fulfilled, one can look at the accomplishment with such satisfaction.

Maybe that’s why I get so much joy from connecting my friends and family to each other, and more importantly, helping connect them to Jesus.

Bridge building will always be on my calling card.

I think I'll drive over that big bridge tomorrow and remind myself these things.



P.S. My top “strength” detailed
Connectedness
Tom Rath, Strengthfinders 2.0
Things happen for a reason. You are sure of it. You are sure of it because in your soul you know that we are all connected. Yes, we are individuals, responsible for our own judgments and in possession of our own free will, but nonetheless we are part of something larger. Some may call it the collective unconscious. Others may label it spirit or life force. But whatever your word of choice, you gain confidence from knowing that we are not isolated from one another or from the earth and the life on it. This feeling of Connectedness implies certain responsibilities. If we are all part of a larger picture, then we must not harm others because we will be harming ourselves. We must not exploit because we will be exploiting ourselves. Your awareness of these responsibilities creates your value system. You are considerate, caring, and accepting. Certain of the unity of humankind, you are a bridge builder for people of different cultures. Sensitive to the invisible hand, you can give others comfort that there is a purpose beyond our humdrum lives. The exact articles of your faith will depend on your upbringing and your culture, but your faith is strong. It sustains you and your close friends in the face of life’s mysteries.

Facing my fear

Last summer I found out it takes about 20 hours to cover the 18 miles of climbing down, camping out and returning to the rim of the Grand canyon. The descent is 5000 feet and that my fear of heights is more real that ever. Actually, my fear is more of "falling" than just heights in general. But mine is not a story of conquering fear since even though I faced my fear, it is still with me today.

On the way out of the Canyon, we stopped at the Desert View on the East Rim and I still had wobbly legs and did not want to go near the edge. It was frustrating. Fears are a weird thing-very hard to explain. They sort of "just are" if you know what I mean.

Why are they difficult to conquer? I have this desire somewhere deep down to have no fear at all. In the middle of the most fear I have ever faced-an 80 yard pass, that was 4 feet wide and about a 1000-2000 foot straight down drop on both sides on the South Kaibab Trail-it meant so much to me that my bro Rick was praying for me and encouraging me that I could make it. Somehow I got through that passage.

There is something deep down in me now that says that although I do not like my fears-and maybe I will never conquer them-I can get through them. On that ledge, every step was a unique step of self courage fused with reliance upon God. Maybe that's what God wants of me-dependence upon Him for every step I take.

When I got to the top of the Canyon I layed down and just cried. Part of it was physical exhaustion, but most of it was tears of joy that a fear was faced and I had made it through. Rick will tell you I did not even want to start the hike. It was raining and lightning and it was 5000 feet down. Somewhere deep down I knew I needed to go where I did not want to and face what I did not want to face.

Maybe you have something you need to turn around and face. Or maybe you need a friend to walk through it with you. Maybe you just need a little bit of courage to start. Take one step. Consider that maybe God wants to be with you in it and ask for His help. Thanks for sharing life with me.