The real gift

I looked out the window and could not believe what I saw

It was Christmas eve and I was exhausted from shoveling snow the past four hours

Was the sun playing games with my mind?

It looked like my porch, the beloved sanctuary, was leaning over

The weight of 20 plus inches of snow three days before had literally pulled the porch off the bolts that had connected it to the house

Panic mode set in

I grabbed my shovel and jumped out our second floor bathroom window and carefully began to push snow off the roof

While I worked harder, my wife worked smarter

She called my friends

As I pushed off snow by the pound, one by one my buddies showed up

On Christmas Eve

While one started the snow blower, another strategized about getting the porch re-bolted
While one ran to Home Depot, another found two by fours and built a brace
While one shoveled, another moved furniture

Tools and machinery arrived by the truck load

Four hours passed before I could blink

The porch was fixed and reattached the house

There was a feeling of exhausted satisfaction
There were nods and knowing we got it done...together

There were few words

but I thought...

something needed to be said more than just thanks

I asked the guys to gather round

I was sure a blessing would come out of my mouth

I bowed my head to pray

Emotion overtook me

I thanked God through the tears for real friends who loved me and my family this day

Christmas Eve

My hallowed ground-the porch

My real gift was real friends

Loving me in more than words can describe

They were the real gift

Merry Christmas to me

A Rainy night

Last night me and a few bro's hung out on the porch

It's been a while since I posted but last night there was a moment

Most of the evening it rained and rained

We talked about communion with God

Two questions
What do we want/need from Jesus at the deepest level?
What Name of His means the most to us this day?

We paused and reflected

Then we combined the two thoughts to form a prayer

We took time and listened

The rain was...perfect, constant

It was easy to think and hear

The prayer came

Sometimes the rain brings me into that moment of hearing Him

Deep Breath

Today a deep breath took me by surprise

I was sitting outside reading a book

Closed my eyes and let the sun rest on my face

Quiet
Peaceful
Birds were chirping

I took a breath and then...

it happened

One of those kind if triple deep breaths you see a little kid have after they have have fought and cried and just gave in to total exhaustion

the "huhh, huhh, huhh" kind of breath

then it happened again

May sound funny, but...

It's been a while for me

Maybe years, not sure

What pace have I been on?

It felt really good

I let the sun take me some more

This is a good place for me

No words

Yesterday I had one of those moments

There were no words available

See, one of my friends and his wife were entrusted by God with a baby boy 7 months ago

This little guy of theirs was born with a rare skin disease only 56 children per year are born with

He needs to be bandaged up and re wrapped over and over every day
Every time his skin is rubbed (at all) it blisters

Two weeks ago things got worse for this little trooper

He got a mucus clot and lost his breathing for a while

Today they find out what that lapse might mean for him

You feeling the situation?

These are good friends

Who have been through a lot

Yesterday I drove over to be with them

As I did, I prayed for words to speak

But nothing came

I waited

Nothing

Finally, I got there and went up to ICU to meet this little guy for the first time

The parents had gone out to lunch

It was me and him

Alone

There was no need for words

Know what I mean?

I thank God for this special moment with him

He, Jesus, was there
He knows
He understands
He intercedes
He comforts
He is Sovereign

I don't understand all this for sure

I don't have "the words"

It was time to listen
A time to sit with a family
A time to be together

This little guy is so beautiful

Part of my heart is still in that room

Conditioner

After 20 years of marriage, today I finally understood why one would use conditioner on their hair-it makes getting the tangles so much easier to get out!

The last time I needed to use shampoo, part 2, was back in college when my sister would give me a permanent and add the curls to give some style to my mop

My JMU ID card reminds me of those years past

My mop is back and the conditioner really helped today

I will never again question the money we spend on hair products...well, maybe

When friends see me and the long(er) hair two reactions seem to follow

The first is non verbal and basically carries with it the "what is up/what is wrong with you?" sense.

Maybe I should use the words "friends" more carefully

The other reaction is a bit of surprise but the "hey, what's the story?" feeling

These are my friends

They want to know the story

Ask more, judge less

To quell your curiosity, it might be interesting to know I do not like long hair

It is a royal pain every morning
Every night
During the day

This long hair is forcing me to remember every day a few things that are very important to me right now-and it forces them to be part of my daily life discussions

That is why I have trimmed my hair only once in the last 6 months

To remember-the spiritual oppression of those families we love in Sudan
To remember-my buddy who will be sitting in prison the next 10 years
To remember-to engage fully in the world God has placed me, to have courage, to listen to Him, to remember Him

It may sound stupid, but I need ways to remember these things daily

Maybe you do too?

FYI-I have always known why others use conditioner

caffeine

Been 54 days so i will talk about it

If you've been reading this blog or in discussion with me the past 6 months, you know that I have been concerned about developing a sustainable pace for (the rest of my) life

"Know thyself" one ancient philosopher said

The search has led me to:
tough discussions in relationships

my family to some time alone

to wrestle with God

to some interesting areas of my own behaviors, one of which is caffeine

Never really thought of it as an issue until...

I tried to stop

Headaches...at least 40 so far this year

Think I am free of it

This is from a guy who loves coffee and diet coke

Loved it with caffeine

loved it daily

What would a day be like without a pick-me-up in the afternoon?

It wasn't pretty

I found something like rehab that first week with all the headaches and shakes

When i was younger, I had quit some other addictive habits, but I guess the difference was age and duration...been pounding those diet cokes, ice tea's and coffees for lots of years now

The reason was not quitting caffeine, whatever your opinion is about the substance

It's a quest for personal sustainability in life

A quest for understanding myself and an appropriate pace without unnecessary influences

What am I capable of without manipulation?

What i am finding is more peace, better sleeping, waking up more alert and my thinking seems to have improved

To what level has it to do with caffeine or other factors I am not sure

This is just one area of my life that needs to be addressed and monitored I am sharing out loud to remind myself of my dependency upon God for everything

Less of me, more of Him

Less caffeine, more water

One Speed Bike

A couple days ago I forked over $45 for a used beach cruiser bicycle to get back and forth to the library where I study

With only one car, and a limited budget, $50 was max spending. I put the last $5 toward some handle grips. I am still trying to wedge them on the bike

Yesterday was the maiden voyage. I rode to the library one mile, two more to the beach and another two back to the condo. If you are quick, that totals five. Guess I am getting in shape also

If you’ve ever had a beach cruiser, you are glad to be in flat area. With no gears, and only one speed, you pretty much are forced to go at a leisurely pace. Slow might be the best word to describe the pace

It’s interesting to go slow

Most of my life the last 20+ years have been in the fast lane

Going 100 MPH it seems

Yesterday, I noticed

A lot

I said hello to people at the bus stop, many of whom looked pretty hurting.

I noticed the smell of cars, even though this sense of mine rarely seems to work

I saw all these little shops for varieties of food and services

I stopped at the top of a drawbridge and just looked at the water and the boats for a while. I was able to breath in the moment

I stopped at a little cigar shop and watched a guy roll a few. Pretty cool

This simple one speed bike

Taking me on a different pace

One I remember from a distant time

In touch

Aware

I am downshifting even without gears

In the Present

When Carolyn and I first stated dating, we would often talk for hours on the phone

Sometimes I would try to multi-task and watch sports or videos

Multi-tasking never seems to work for me

She knew

I am far to easily distracted

When she knew I was not totally focusing in her, she'd hang up on me

She wanted me to be with her, in the present

She still does

She deserves this

One of the main reasons I like small groups of guys to hang with is that we can all be present with each other...in the moment

In larger groups, well, you can sort of multi-task and avoid the real stuff

It has always bothered me when I am meeting in a group or with someone and they are not present (not focused)...they text or email others, look around for other people they might know, answer their phone for anyone...you got the idea, you know them

you may be like them

I've been there...even with my own wife. That is hard to admit in writing

There is a saying that goes:

Live in the past, live in guilt
Live in the future, live in anxiety
Live in the present, and really live

I love Matthew 6:33, 34-"seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things (food, clothing, shelter) will be given to you. So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Pretty simple

Be present in the day

With yourself
with your family
with your fellow workers
With others
With God

He is always present
Always available
Always near

Am I paying attention?

Am I present?

Today?

Close connection

A couple months ago when Carolyn and I were contemplating this time away, one of my mentors strongly suggested finding a place where we could get in God's presence often and easily

A place away from the normal distractions of life where we could look at life a little more objectively through His eyes

"make it happen, if at all possible", was his strong counsel

Immediately, I knew I would fight to have our time close to the Ocean

As I reflect on my life, when I find myself on a quiet beach with a good worship music mix, it is like I move right into a "Jesus download"

He and I just connect in this place, and usually pretty fast

For others, it is silence in church or a monastery or a place in the mountains, or a missions adventure or living on the edge in faith or meditating/reading the Scriptures

For me, I knew I had to fight to get myself and our family close to the Ocean

Today I remembered why I worked hard to be in this place

Our family went down to the beach this afternoon

I found a little quiet spot in the sand
Dug my toes in
Felt the sun on my back
Felt the wind in my face
Turned my Ipod to my recent "freedom mix"
Opened my hands

With each inhale, my heart said, "breath of life"

With each exhale, my heart said, "I trust You."

Over and Over

In His presence
Breathing
Relaxing
Receiving
Downloading

At the Ocean
Getting Closer

what is Porch talk, part 2

This past week I had the opportunity to visit a couple brothers who have been a part of our Porch Night group the past couple years

I felt a little bit like Paul, travelling as a missionary to encourage, strengthen and see how things were in different cities

That’s where the comparison to Paul ends

Anyway, during our short time of connection, Porch Night came up

The brothers asked about some of the men from Annapolis and shared some of the new friends in their lives

They also both shared about desiring Porch Night where they are

Made me think a little more about what Porch night actually is…so, here goes a few thoughts

You can’t explain it or invent a chapter…you just need to be there
Not a program-different every time, every place, no schedule or curriculum
Safe place to be yourself
What’s said here, stays here
A place to be, not to impress others
Time to live in the present for as long as it lasts

Words like:

Open
Honest
Talk
Listen
Available
Real
Laughter

Would describe some of our gatherings

The only question I have as I walk out to my porch to be with the guys is to ask God, “what direction do You desire our time to go?”

My only prayer before we gather is, “God, bring who you desire to be here.”

Then we start ‘er up

Finding a Place

About 50 yards out the door of the condo here is a nice little inlet where the local boats dock

It was ten pm

Lit up a stogie

Laid flat on my back

Looked up at the stars

Took in the slight breeze

Started Van Morrison on the Ipod

Some Peace of Mind was playing

Kept hitting replay

Found a place

Could have stayed for hours

Not sure how long I did

Time meant little

Peace reigned supreme

The downshift continues

Downshift

Sometimes life just sort of goes forward without much notice

And then it just hits

I am in my car and just going down the highway like everyone else and my daughter mentions I am going 90MPH...and I didn't even notice my pace...it was the same as everyone else

I am looking closely at the gauge of my life these days

Wow. Ouch. Huh?

How long have I been going 100?

For a while. For years? Decades?

A couple of years ago I went to Germany with some bro's. We hopped on the autobahn and it was scary. A hundred-twenty just kept pace. After a couple days we were all used to crazy Bob's driving and going 120

The only time we really noticed how fast we were going was when we came to a curve or an exit ramp...and we woke up quick

This same feeling expresses where i am this day as I intentionally try to slow down l

It's been three weeks

I thought this would be easy

Truth is... it is downright difficult to downshift

Actually, really hard

I thought I could just hit the brakes...which I did...but the gears will only allow me to slow down so quickly

Others are honking at me as I try to get to the exit lane. They want me to keep pace
My body is freaking out as I drop caffeine from my lifestyle...i (think i) am missing my coffee and diet coke addictions from the past 20 years
My ears are hearing new things as some noise is being eliminated
I can hear myself breathe again

The heart beat is still too fast but a memory of quieter times is nearby

A sustainable rhythm for the next stage of life is my desire

I wonder where this downshift will lead?

To a new "normal" pace of life?

To a place where I can hear Jesus' voice clearer and with more regularity?

Today, I downshift one more time